Drafting Up A Better Draft Experience: My Shedeur Sanders/Prank Call Take

NFL Condemn A Man For Having an A-Hole (Adult) Kid When a Million Dollar Opportunity is Staring Them in the Face

Hello Everyone. Been a while (again). I took a break from personal writing after my last column on 2-Time National Champion Coach Greg Heiar.

What I learned about that experience:

Bully culture is prevalent where I live. It didn’t need a basketball scandal to show how pervasive it is. Ironically, this column is about monetizing bully culture. It showed me that I no longer need to associate on a personal level with my readers.

Yes, I root for the Aggies, yes, I write about the Aggies, but that’s where a lot our similarities end. I am a great guy, and an even better writer. I will not lower my standards to placate insecure middle-aged men.

That said, I love writing

AGGREGATOR

because I do it my way, and I promise you I am a net positive for that school because say what you will, aside from one young dude at the Cruces newspaper who will leave us all in the dust, there’s no one relevant writing about NM State at all except yours truly.

But the prank phone calls, harassment, and the dunking on others for sport that I experienced in the last month is ironically enough why I am writing today. I have a take on a story from a few weeks ago: The Shedeur Sanders Prank Call Scandal that happened.

I hope you will like it, and you like all my writing.

As you know, all of my columns are reader-supported. I thrive on your attention and your dollars. For $4 a month or less than 10 cents a day, you will get a business-themed, customer service-themed, jack-of-all-trades column that has my humor and my thought process.

I promise you, that you will love this column or you get your money back… No, that’s a lie. No refunds here, but I promise you that you won’t be sorry you supported The Notorious Banker

Here we go.

Sanders Prank Call: Fake Adult Outrage By a Generation Who Thrived on Prank Calls + Phone Numbers Aren’t so Private + NFL Has a Million Dollar Idea If They Want It (Just Give Me Credit and a Finder’s Fee)

Seeing the Shedeur Sanders draft fall was sad last month. Not because I thought he deserved to be the number 2 pick, because I didn’t know that for sure. Hell, no one knew that at all. TV Media told us that Shedeur Sanders was the greatest QB ever, and the reason they (meaning FOX and ESPN mostly did that) is because they are great salesmen and they are trying to sell a product: A football game with ads.

Nothing wrong with that, but don’t confuse hype with talent. Sanders is talented, but the hype he got was hall-of-fame quality

The brazenness of him and his family is out there, and yes, some people don’t like that kind of attitude, but the Sanders party knows damn well that in order to get attention in this world, you got to stand out, and they did it perfectly while at Colorado, and I applaud it.

It makes you enemies and people who want to see you fail, but hell, after fielding 100 hate emails from people I would classify as my readers, I can tell you that people just like people seeing fail no matter what.

It’s human nature. Life is always Us vs the World.

But again, becoming a 5th round pick is not a terrible thing. In fact, it will only amp up the hype that much more. I really believe that. If he’s NFL Quality, he will get his shot. NFL doesn’t miss on people. Too many jobs are on the line. Now, having a bad coach tutor a young player may impact the players skill level and/or playing time, but that’s different. The player still came in with pedigree.

But, yeah, let’s not talk about football.

The one thing that became pervasive during the coverage was this.

The Prank Call of Shedeur Sanders by Jax Ulbrich and his buddy. Jax Ulbrich is the son of Jeff Ulbrich, ex-NFL player, former Jets interim coach, and current Atlanta Falcons Defensive Coordinator.

Now, one thing about me. I hate pranks. I hate prank calls, I don’t like those videos where dumb-ass kids throw shit at people inside stores and then throw shit at themselves to cover their tracks, all in the name of views.

God, I hate those videos, and live for the day someone gets seriously beat up for the pranks, because I would love to see the videos of the kids crying, claiming to be victims of the media for showing them in the bad light when they are just having “fun.” Older me would have said, “Seen them get stabbed or shot,” but no, those things are not funny, but a good ass-whooping will set some people right.

Ask me about my tiny mom whooping chubby pre-teen James who was following a dark path. Haha.

Jax Ulbrich and his friend did the prank call for the views, the likes, the people to shower them with popularity by being so damn funny. Being young people, it is a rudimentary way of thinking, especially when you realize you don’t have a personality.

Now, as a content creator, and a person who will look at his views, likes, subscriptions talking about this, I am no different, but at the same time, I am not making an ass out of myself. I am providing a service I am selling.

These kids with the pranks are not providing shit. They are looking for 1 million views so YouTube can pay them $100 while YouTube makes $10,000 on their content. It’s the stupid Gen Z mindset and Gen Alpha mindset and makes me not want to have kids.

That said, as much as these prank phone call kids are insufferable toads who deserve an ass-whooping, especially Dad on Jax, because Jeff Ulbrich is still a big guy in his middle-aged years, you know who were the most insufferable people of the whole story?

People older than me. I am 42, so people in their 50s and 60s, the parents of kids that are in their 20s, using a prank like this to show “what is wrong with this generation?”

Get over yourself. I grew up in the 1990s. I was the consumer of some products like major movies, pop culture, stand-up comedy, and listened to Howard Stern for a number of years.

I was a pre-teen when “The Jerky Boys” had a moment in pop-culture. Remember The Jerky Boys? Not a lot of people do, but their whole schtick was being dickfaces to people on the phone.

Here’s the Wikipedia description of them:

The Jerky Boys are an American comedy act from Queens, New York City, New York, whose routine consisted of prank telephone calls and other related skits. The duo was founded in 1989 by childhood friends Johnny Brennan and Kamal Ahmed.After Ahmed left the act in 2000, the Jerky Boys continued on as a solo act featuring only Brennan, before going on a 19-year hiatus after the 2001 release of the franchise's penultimate album, The Jerky Tapes.

These guys made millions off of crank calls, and people in their 20s and 30s in the 1990s, aka the old people who are crying “shame on you!” to the kids who pranked called Shedeur Sanders, ate it the hell up in the 1990s.

It was “Edgy” in the 1990s, but horribly unfunny today.

My favorite part of the Wikipedia is “They went on hiatus in 2001.”

Yeah, right around the time people stopped answering the damn phone and screening calls on their cell phones. They got neutered from their go-to thing because technology advanced and it essentially put them out of business.

But yeah, these guys were so popular, they made a movie!

I don’t find it funny, but in the 1990s, they had the undivided attention of people looking for content with people being assholes to one another. It’s been going on since the stone age, I am sure.

But the consumers of this stuff in the 1990s are people I call “F**king men.” I am censoring myself, because I don’t want to be TOO vulgar, but what I mean by F**king men are alpha types, athletes, college jocks/frat boy types who are rude, crude, and that’s their persona. Hell, I even cosplayed like that for a few years. Some women love it.

Those F**king men in their 20s and 30s then are the old farts complaining about these kids now in their 50s and 60s. They are the decision makers, the people who scold and possibly are the ones in the room punishing the dad, Jeff, for what his adult son did. These are the people with sticks in the mud and up their butt.

That’s where I get upset. Because 30 years ago, these guys were stoned or drunk or both, thinking this was comedy gold, and now because one football player (although there were reports of others too) got his feelings hurt because of one prank call, these frauds are looking for consequences when they were literally buying these CDs in the 1990s? Get out of here.

Those same people in the 1990s, if you were in an area that had it air, were also connoisseurs of Howard Stern.

Now, for the record, I love Howard Stern. I have nothing bad to say about him, and guess what? I modeled my bank manager job after his interviewing style.

Bank of America was so regimented in scripting and “asking the right questions” and I always loved Stern talking to whoever, because he was intentionally curious and he asked good questions, even if they were crude, and almost always got answers. It was effective questioning, and I have him to thank for my bank sales going through the roof. I am serious.

Stern also had his cadre of misfits calling news stations during breaking news stories with their “Baba-Booey” or name dropping Stern while posing as bystanders to disaster or major stories.

It was annoying, they found it funny, but even to myself at the time, young and impressionable, watching TV as one of these things happened was like finding an Easter Egg. NO DVR then, if you caught one, you freaked out!

The most notable one was when someone posing as Chicago Cubs’ Most Hated Fan Steve Bartman allegedly called Sportscenter and Dan Patrick in 2003. I was with my cousin Ramon and friend James watching this. I made them watch it, because I was an annoying Cubs fan back in the day. Annoying Cubs Fan is redundant by the way.

“Do You Like Howard Stern’s Butt-Cheese?”

Not only did it make 20 year old James and his 20 year old friend and 21 year old cousin freak out when we saw this, but still at the age of 42, the word “Butt-Cheese” is still used by me BECAUSE I SAW THIS MOMENT LIVE IN OCTOBER 2003, and now me and my wife whenever we note that something stinks… especially if it stinks like butt…. like a good cheese. I got her saying it too!

I am serious. If I never watched this live, I would have one less word in my vocabulary and one less shared thing with my friend, cousin, and now my wife.

I cringe at the interview for a number of reasons.

One: I don’t know how you let that get through to Sportscenter without vetting if it was him. He was only the most famous person in the sports world in that moment.

Two: Putting that picture of a sullen Bartman after he caused the incident in the Cubs game was bad as well, because you expected a man to call in to the show on his worst moment. No person would do that.

Three: The stiff demeanor of Dan Patrick before his radio show took on its life form. He was trying to play this as a straight newsman, forgetting that people do this crap for sport. It lives on forever on YouTube and in my vocabulary.

Not to be crude, but one of the first times I made love right around this time was in a hotel room, and the show Crank Yankers was playing in the background. Crank Yankers being a show on Comedy Central.

A show with real 'crank' phone calls to real victims. Puppets are added as the 'actors' to give visual support to what is happening in the phone calls.

I just remember praying that the show would end or the power would go out, because it was annoying as hell in that moment where I was feeling insecure.

But again, all of the things I showed you were before I was of drinking age, and it was created by people in their 20s and 30s, now people who are clutching their pearls of the Shedeur crank call. Please shush….

2nd part:

Let’s not pretend that Jax Ulbrich stealing the phone number off his dad’s iPad to call Shedeur is so egregious.

Some were calling for computer fraud/wire fraud charges to be levied on the kids.

No. Stealing someone’s phone number is a fireable offense at a place like Bank of America if you are an employee and you use it for non-business purposes. I dated at the bank before I met my wife, and this is why I was a man and asked for the number face to face. It hits harder.

Nowadays where every app asks you for your contact info, and every company participates in third party sharing, your email address, name, and address are public knowledge. Google yourself. There will be shit about you on Google that you CAN’T BELIEVE someone knows, but you checked a box somewhere to let it happen.

I used to get yelled at by old people at the bank. “OPT ME OUT OF THIRD PARTY SHARING AND AFFILIATE MARKETING! I BETTER GET NO CALLS!”

But then, they would buy reading glasses or collectible plates from the back of “Parade” Magazine and put their address and phone number on the little cardboard card, and guess what? You are now on calling lists and will be called until your death.

So, I don’t care about sharing my info, because it’s all out there. I buy things, I coupon, I find any way to save or make money.

This is what my missed calls look like on my phone:

Aside from my wife, it’s all junk calls. 80 VMs are from 80 junk calls. I am on mailing lists because of student loan stuff, because I signed up for Credit Karma, which is a scourge as well, and because I buy $1 domain names and because it is so cheap, my number gets shared. Godaddy is Notorious for it among others.

I simply don’t answer the phone. Everyone knows my number.

I highly suggest you all to crank call those missed call numbers. All of them are scams or companies trying to upsell me products. Nah… Leave me alone. The first 79 missed calls should have told you I ain’t interested.

Plus, I tried really hard not to blame Shedeur on anything, but you mean to tell me he hasn’t given his number to 1, 2, 3, 15 women in his college life? He has never hooked up with anyone or wanted to, and then he gave his number to the girl, and then the girl who said, “Nah,” has a friend that wants to get with him.

“Taylor, give me his number.”

“No, Skyleriah, I won’t.”

“Fine, I will get it from Nevaeh”

(I made that 2nd name up)

This is an AI photo, but Would, Would, and WOULD…. They all look the same though. The cute one has to be Taylor and the one begging has to be Skyleriah, because she’s as annoying as her name.

Or if he has a friend he hangs with, and that friend has a friend who has a business opportunity and gives that person the number who then shares it with others? It can happen.

Let’s not pretend only the NFL only had Shedeur’s number. Unless he has a burner phone and that number was only meant for football purposes, his number is probably in 10,000 phones at this moment, not to mention all the mailing lists one gets on by companies.

The kid stole it though, so yes, that was a low move….

That said, to punish the coach $100,000, which is 12% of his salary for what his ADULT kid did, aside from calling it a fine for “not protecting sensitive info,” is ludicrous. Why should a man have to be responsible for all actions of his adult kids? It really makes me not want to have kids. Why do I have to bear the stink of what they do post 18yo?

Falcons getting fined is crazy work too. I get someone has to pay the consequences, so maybe Sanders can sue the kid Ulbrich for damages inflicted. Maybe he will win that suit and get a judgment on the kid and make his credit life miserable forever. I would do that. I am petty like that.

Finally, I have a million dollar idea for the NFL. I am going to send it to the NFL, even if they don’t ask for my input, because I think it will make them even MORE money, make the uniqueness of the NFL Draft that much more special, and will 99.999999999999999% get rid of something like this ever happening again. You can’t say 100% because if it did happen, someone can get sued, I am sure.

I ask the NFL for tickets to the Super Bowl, the chance to call the name of a NFL Draft Pick… Nah, get me a job. I am an idea guy. I may not be well-educated, although I have a degree, but I am full of ideas. Whaddya say, NFL?

Introducing the NFL Draft Hotline Presented By Verizon

You already know where I am going with this, huh?

So, most people won’t make it in the NFL, but they will have a lot of mementos. Jerseys, photos, helmets, etc.

What would be a cooler gift than a one-time use iPhone that the NFL Gifted you during the NFL Draft?

Here’s how it works.

1. NFL strikes a deal with Verizon for $10 million to be the exclusive sponsor of the NFL Draft Communications. Hell, it would probably be more. For that, anytime a draft pick gets selected, you can say, “James Baca, the LB from ENMU is getting a call on the NFL Draft Hotline! He’s going number 2 to the Texans it looks like!”

2. NFL strikes a deal with Apple for another $10 million to include the word Apple in this. “The Apple NFL Draft Hotline presented by Verizon.”

   
   As part of the deal, Apple will gift 400 iPhones for 400 prospective draft picks at a cost of about $500,000 MSRP. I am sure they can get a deal on them. They will be the newest iPhone, and will have the branding of the NFL Draft Logo and their name, position, and college laser engraved on the back, along with the Verizon logo.

3. The phones can be retrofitted with an LED light that will light up that teams colors when the GM of a team calls that draft pick, and that iPhone will only ever field that one call EVER. Never to be used again.

   

   
   You give the players a forever keepsake that they will cherish forever.
   You also give sponsors millions of dollars of exposure.
   
   NFL makes 8 figures EASILY from ad revenue, plus they create magical content as a draft pick’s phone lights up in the blue of the Cowboys, the red of the Chiefs or the Kelly Green of the Eagles.
   
   The people who don’t get drafted will cherish the keepsake as well. The phone gifted to you was a sign that you were in the conversation, and that’s all that matters.

   
   The problem with Shedeur’s interaction was the fact that so many people were a part of the phone call as opposed to a one-to-one interaction. The gullibility of people around him actually made the prank work moreso.

The NFL becomes a giant Verizon/Apple commercial for the NFL Draft and social media will be full of videos of players in the green room or their homes freaking the HELL out when their phone lights up. Good content!

The problem with planning events and more importantly, mitigating risk is that you don’t know it is a problem until it happens and then you have to deal with it. It was reported that these prank calls happened last year too, so let’s not pretend that Shedeur Sanders was a one of one incident.

No. Information is prevalent, because every team has these numbers multiplied by their employees and also third parties have these numbers x by their employees and by lookie-loos who want to find out information they have no right to know. Just when you do the math there of POTENTIAL eyeballs on the numbers, you get probably more than 100,000 people tangentially connected in some way.

I feel bad for Shedeur Sanders, and I feel bad for Papa Ulbrich dealing with his dickface kid doing dumb stuff. But there’s a way to fix this, and it is relatively easy and make the NFL a ton of money while making more magical moments.

I don’t feel bad for those who claimed it was a horrible incident when literally the pop culture they grew up with during the times that people used phones for, you know, calling people, was filled with more hurtful, more hateful versions of what happened to Shedeur Sanders.

There’s 2 journalists I know that are AFRAID to call people on the phone, even though it is their damn job to do so. They call the number to interview someone, they hang up before the other person answers, because they are afraid of that person picking up, and then they wait for the person to call back so they don’t have to deal with the expectations of what to say first.

Yes, there are people like this who work in the information business. It is weird and makes you wonder who is minding the hen house when it comes to talking about important things when the person picked to speak on the people’s behalf is afraid too.

I get that kids like to snapchat, messenger, or DM each other. I do it too… However, phone calls are important too, and the most important call a lot of these young men will ever get should not be corrupted by bad actors.

There’s an easy solution for all parties involved to make it more special, and make more money while doing it.

Pick up the phone, NFL. Let’s talk about how I can make you even more money thinking outside the box..

575-4— Nah, I ain’t putting my number on here. But search Google, it’ll be there.
Damn GoDaddy!

James

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